This "Double Life" of Mine

"What?? So, your family and Indo friends don't really know how much your involvement and achievement in dancing?"

I slightly smiled and replied, "Yes."

"But... why??" asked them.

Again, only a slight smile. But this time no words or any make-sense explanation come out from my mouth. Usually it's some kind of gibberish and ended up with "Uhm, actually... I don't know. I haven't had any answer for that yet."

I try to move on with my life, keep doing the things I love everyday. But almost every day I keep wondering about:  Why do I have this "double life"?

What am I really trying to hide? Why do I make it in such a way that my circle in Indo only need to know me as a casual writer/blogger, while my circle in AU and Spain only need to know me as a dancer?

Why can I just be open to everyone in my life about both world of mine that I'm very passionate about, which are dancing and writing?

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I was writing this post in my rehearsal room, which is 10 mins away from my home by bike. During these 4 hours that supposed to be for working on my dancing stuff, I ended up having an unexpected mental breakdown. I arrived in this room, sat down, burst into tears, and cried at the top of my lungs for almost 30 mins.

Oh well, it turned out that listening to a meditation podcast before starting your day is not always a great idea. As in my case, it led me to this unexpected mental breakdown that's totally out of my plan of having a "productive" day.

I still have many hours to kill in this room. Yet I can't function now. I don't feel like practicing dancing at all. So, I think this is the best thing I can do: to just be real and as honest as possible to myself and to those who're gonna read this story. And I hope that this story will reach you out and help you in some ways. 

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As I was typing all of these words, my brain and heart keep forcing me to get back to the painful past that happened in 2008.

I wasn't the brightest kid in terms of my academic achievement. I got used to people's comments when they said why I couldn't be so damn smart like my oldest sister. I tried to not give a shit about that, but of course it's kinda like fucking up with my self esteem even until now.

I was 16 y.o at that time and I always had this dream to study and live abroad. So, when the opportunity came to study abroad in Taiwan, I was so excited and I wanted to take it! I didn't care much about what people would comment about my dream that seemed to be "too dreamy" for some people.

I told to myself, "Gosh, I need to get out from Jakarta. I really need to make this happen!"

So, I started to do my own research by asking friends who had experience studying in Taiwan, looking for an education agent, and so on. After I found an education agent, I went to their workshop/open-day where they explained about the requirements needed for studying abroad in Taiwan.

I remember that there's this passionate coordinator who explained all these exciting opportunities for me and other teenagers there. He continued by mentioning about the requirements and he said:

"If you're interested to take this opportunity, you can come to my office and we can talk about your plan for studying abroad in details. 

You DO NOT need any particular level in Chinese language as it's compulsory for every international student to take one year of language school once you guys arrive in Taiwan."

A week after attending that event, I started intensive course in Chinese near my house and finally arranged the meeting to chat more with the coordinator. Maybe around two months later, I met up with him in his office.  It was only two of us in his room and I started asking him about the details of official documents for studying abroad in Taiwan.

He explained a few stuff and asked me about my language level in Chinese. I told him the truth that I just started doing my course a month ago. He looked at me in shock and suddenly grabbed a book from his desk.

"Okay, so you're a beginner level, right? I have this book. It's a reading book for 5 y.o kid. Now read it to me. Read what you can understand," said him in a demeaning way. 

My body suddenly freezed (and for those of you who've experienced panic attacks, I'm sure you totally understand what I'm talking about). Yet, I tried my best to read any word that I knew because I didn't want to look like an idiot. But, the more I tried to impress him, the worst the situation became. In the end, I stuttered and gave up reading it out loud.

And his response after that?

"Are you kidding me? You want to study to Taiwan with this kind of language level? Are you dreaming or what??" 

I nervously replied to him by quoting his words a few months ago that "You DO NOT need any particular level in Chinese language as it's compulsory for every international student to take one year of language school in Taiwan" blablablabla.

And he laughed at me with the most demeaning look I've ever seen. As if I was the most naive, stupid young kid who could only dream and dream without any effort to give.

Anyway, I totally forgot how everything ended. Until now I don't even know how I could manage to get out from his room. All I remember at that time was I ran to the parking lot as fast as I could, got into my car, and burst out into tears.

My driver asked me what happened and I told him the truth. He listened to me patiently and kept nodding while he was driving me home. When I got home, I told my driver not to tell this to my parents. A few weeks later, I told my parents and friends that I cancelled my plan to study abroad.

And they were like "Uuh gurl, whaaaat...."

They kept asking me why I suddenly changed my mind. I kept saying, "Well, I just don't feel like doing it now."

They didn't buy it and assumed that maybe the reason behind it was because I wanted to stay with my boyfriend at high school and didn't want to have a long distance relationship with him.

I allowed them to think that I was that shallow because telling the truth was just too painful for me. I think only in 2015, which is seven years later, that I finally had the ability to articulate it quite well to myself about what the heck happened in 2008.

So, my past about being humiliated by this coordinator of education agent is the most humiliating moment I've had in my life.

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11 years later. Now. 2019. 

Good and bad things happened. It's normal. That's life. I told to myself, "Just suck it up."

But there are a few triggering moments in the last few weeks that really messed up with my mind.

Every encounter with the superior-inferior-manipulation-power struggle bullshit situation always brings me back to this disgusting feeling of being humiliated. Every word, every feeling is printed so clearly on my mind as if this shit just happened yesterday.

No matter how often I repeat all the positive affirmations in my mind, I can't ignore the voice in my head that keeps saying,

"Gurl, wtf are you doing with your dancing and writing? You're seriously nothing. You're a loser, remember? Just like how many people think about you throughout your childhood and even until now. Just be a loser because that's the label that suits best to yourself."

As I sat in this room alone - crying, typing while eating snacks because I was so fucking hungry from this emotional roller coaster - I decided to analyse this pain, connect the dots, and see some patterns in my life that keep occuring. 

It turned out that this shitty past of mine somehow become the reason of why I have this "double life"; why I trust sharing my writing world to some people, but not about my dancing life and vice versa. 

I realise that what hurts me most about my past is not only the humiliation itself, but also the feeling of being belittled so low as if you have no worth to even exist in this world. As if every dream and wild idea you have is just so mediocre, silly and fucking dumb. 

I had been paralysed with my own fear and shame that I have chosen to create this huge wall to protect my passions, my pride, my pure joy, my hopes, and my wild ideas with every weapon I have.

But creating a huge wall also turns out to be painful as I can't fully trust everyone in my life - even those who are very close to me. All I can feel all the time is this deep loneliness and harsh judgment towards myself. 

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As I was typing these words, I've been thinking about how I want to end this "self revelation" that sucks my whole energy, but also bring a new perspective about myself. 

Maybe with some life advice? Or more swear words? Or maybe I'm just gonna leave this story as an open case?

I choose all of them and this is the only thing that I can say to close this unexpected mental breakdown. 

I believe that there's a hidden painful past in every cold/arrogant/pathetic/bitch/asshole/kind-hearted/humble/authentic/wise person whom we met in our life.

As much as I want to have a simple life like my doggo and my kitten to just sleep, play, and shit, somehow I was chosen to be born as a human being and now my time is running out. I can't run away anymore from my past.

In order to move on with my life and creating the work that really produces pure joy, I need to look at my wound and let that heal properly even if it means that I'm gonna cry and scream with a lot of my favourite swearing words. 

I'm sure my life for the next few days won't change miraculously.

But at least, I've connected the dots in my life, I've seen some patterns that need to be tweaked, and I've dealt with my past face to face. 

If you've been experiencing this impostor syndrome, I just want to let you know that you're not the only one. We're all on the same boat and trying to survive - doing the best as we could to respect ourself as it is. 

One last thing, when I heard the meditation podcast this afternoon, it said that when you start feeling uneasy and judgmental about yourself/your past, etc, the best thing to do is to recognise it and embrace it as it is without beating yourself up. 

The next step is to reach beyond yourself and remember any kindness in your life that will make you feel calm and safe. 

Mine is a sincere prayer from my mum. 

She doesn't know any shit about my dancing world, but she knows that I'm gonna start my first dancing workshop on the 4th of March.

And she sent me this message yesterday afternoon while I was having my brain all over the place:

"Hey, how are you? Have you started your dancing workshop yet? I pray to God everyday that you're happy, healthy and I hope that you have students with sincere interest for coming to your class."

In the end, all I need is not a big fame/reputation/image in my dancing or writing world - not even a recognition from people. 

All I need is this simple yet sincere care, love and prayer from my mum. 

I hope that you can find your moment of kindness that brings you joy and reminds you that you're always loved.