This "Double Life" of Mine

"What?? So, your family and Indo friends don't really know how much your involvement and achievement in dancing?"

I slightly smiled and replied, "Yes."

"But... why??" asked them.

Again, only a slight smile. But this time no words or any make-sense explanation come out from my mouth. Usually it's some kind of gibberish and ended up with "Uhm, actually... I don't know. I haven't had any answer for that yet."

I try to move on with my life, keep doing the things I love everyday. But almost every day I keep wondering about:  Why do I have this "double life"?

What am I really trying to hide? Why do I make it in such a way that my circle in Indo only need to know me as a casual writer/blogger, while my circle in AU and Spain only need to know me as a dancer?

Why can I just be open to everyone in my life about both world of mine that I'm very passionate about, which are dancing and writing?

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I was writing this post in my rehearsal room, which is 10 mins away from my home by bike. During these 4 hours that supposed to be for working on my dancing stuff, I ended up having an unexpected mental breakdown. I arrived in this room, sat down, burst into tears, and cried at the top of my lungs for almost 30 mins.

Oh well, it turned out that listening to a meditation podcast before starting your day is not always a great idea. As in my case, it led me to this unexpected mental breakdown that's totally out of my plan of having a "productive" day.

I still have many hours to kill in this room. Yet I can't function now. I don't feel like practicing dancing at all. So, I think this is the best thing I can do: to just be real and as honest as possible to myself and to those who're gonna read this story. And I hope that this story will reach you out and help you in some ways. 

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As I was typing all of these words, my brain and heart keep forcing me to get back to the painful past that happened in 2008.

I wasn't the brightest kid in terms of my academic achievement. I got used to people's comments when they said why I couldn't be so damn smart like my oldest sister. I tried to not give a shit about that, but of course it's kinda like fucking up with my self esteem even until now.

I was 16 y.o at that time and I always had this dream to study and live abroad. So, when the opportunity came to study abroad in Taiwan, I was so excited and I wanted to take it! I didn't care much about what people would comment about my dream that seemed to be "too dreamy" for some people.

I told to myself, "Gosh, I need to get out from Jakarta. I really need to make this happen!"

So, I started to do my own research by asking friends who had experience studying in Taiwan, looking for an education agent, and so on. After I found an education agent, I went to their workshop/open-day where they explained about the requirements needed for studying abroad in Taiwan.

I remember that there's this passionate coordinator who explained all these exciting opportunities for me and other teenagers there. He continued by mentioning about the requirements and he said:

"If you're interested to take this opportunity, you can come to my office and we can talk about your plan for studying abroad in details. 

You DO NOT need any particular level in Chinese language as it's compulsory for every international student to take one year of language school once you guys arrive in Taiwan."

A week after attending that event, I started intensive course in Chinese near my house and finally arranged the meeting to chat more with the coordinator. Maybe around two months later, I met up with him in his office.  It was only two of us in his room and I started asking him about the details of official documents for studying abroad in Taiwan.

He explained a few stuff and asked me about my language level in Chinese. I told him the truth that I just started doing my course a month ago. He looked at me in shock and suddenly grabbed a book from his desk.

"Okay, so you're a beginner level, right? I have this book. It's a reading book for 5 y.o kid. Now read it to me. Read what you can understand," said him in a demeaning way. 

My body suddenly freezed (and for those of you who've experienced panic attacks, I'm sure you totally understand what I'm talking about). Yet, I tried my best to read any word that I knew because I didn't want to look like an idiot. But, the more I tried to impress him, the worst the situation became. In the end, I stuttered and gave up reading it out loud.

And his response after that?

"Are you kidding me? You want to study to Taiwan with this kind of language level? Are you dreaming or what??" 

I nervously replied to him by quoting his words a few months ago that "You DO NOT need any particular level in Chinese language as it's compulsory for every international student to take one year of language school in Taiwan" blablablabla.

And he laughed at me with the most demeaning look I've ever seen. As if I was the most naive, stupid young kid who could only dream and dream without any effort to give.

Anyway, I totally forgot how everything ended. Until now I don't even know how I could manage to get out from his room. All I remember at that time was I ran to the parking lot as fast as I could, got into my car, and burst out into tears.

My driver asked me what happened and I told him the truth. He listened to me patiently and kept nodding while he was driving me home. When I got home, I told my driver not to tell this to my parents. A few weeks later, I told my parents and friends that I cancelled my plan to study abroad.

And they were like "Uuh gurl, whaaaat...."

They kept asking me why I suddenly changed my mind. I kept saying, "Well, I just don't feel like doing it now."

They didn't buy it and assumed that maybe the reason behind it was because I wanted to stay with my boyfriend at high school and didn't want to have a long distance relationship with him.

I allowed them to think that I was that shallow because telling the truth was just too painful for me. I think only in 2015, which is seven years later, that I finally had the ability to articulate it quite well to myself about what the heck happened in 2008.

So, my past about being humiliated by this coordinator of education agent is the most humiliating moment I've had in my life.

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11 years later. Now. 2019. 

Good and bad things happened. It's normal. That's life. I told to myself, "Just suck it up."

But there are a few triggering moments in the last few weeks that really messed up with my mind.

Every encounter with the superior-inferior-manipulation-power struggle bullshit situation always brings me back to this disgusting feeling of being humiliated. Every word, every feeling is printed so clearly on my mind as if this shit just happened yesterday.

No matter how often I repeat all the positive affirmations in my mind, I can't ignore the voice in my head that keeps saying,

"Gurl, wtf are you doing with your dancing and writing? You're seriously nothing. You're a loser, remember? Just like how many people think about you throughout your childhood and even until now. Just be a loser because that's the label that suits best to yourself."

As I sat in this room alone - crying, typing while eating snacks because I was so fucking hungry from this emotional roller coaster - I decided to analyse this pain, connect the dots, and see some patterns in my life that keep occuring. 

It turned out that this shitty past of mine somehow become the reason of why I have this "double life"; why I trust sharing my writing world to some people, but not about my dancing life and vice versa. 

I realise that what hurts me most about my past is not only the humiliation itself, but also the feeling of being belittled so low as if you have no worth to even exist in this world. As if every dream and wild idea you have is just so mediocre, silly and fucking dumb. 

I had been paralysed with my own fear and shame that I have chosen to create this huge wall to protect my passions, my pride, my pure joy, my hopes, and my wild ideas with every weapon I have.

But creating a huge wall also turns out to be painful as I can't fully trust everyone in my life - even those who are very close to me. All I can feel all the time is this deep loneliness and harsh judgment towards myself. 

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As I was typing these words, I've been thinking about how I want to end this "self revelation" that sucks my whole energy, but also bring a new perspective about myself. 

Maybe with some life advice? Or more swear words? Or maybe I'm just gonna leave this story as an open case?

I choose all of them and this is the only thing that I can say to close this unexpected mental breakdown. 

I believe that there's a hidden painful past in every cold/arrogant/pathetic/bitch/asshole/kind-hearted/humble/authentic/wise person whom we met in our life.

As much as I want to have a simple life like my doggo and my kitten to just sleep, play, and shit, somehow I was chosen to be born as a human being and now my time is running out. I can't run away anymore from my past.

In order to move on with my life and creating the work that really produces pure joy, I need to look at my wound and let that heal properly even if it means that I'm gonna cry and scream with a lot of my favourite swearing words. 

I'm sure my life for the next few days won't change miraculously.

But at least, I've connected the dots in my life, I've seen some patterns that need to be tweaked, and I've dealt with my past face to face. 

If you've been experiencing this impostor syndrome, I just want to let you know that you're not the only one. We're all on the same boat and trying to survive - doing the best as we could to respect ourself as it is. 

One last thing, when I heard the meditation podcast this afternoon, it said that when you start feeling uneasy and judgmental about yourself/your past, etc, the best thing to do is to recognise it and embrace it as it is without beating yourself up. 

The next step is to reach beyond yourself and remember any kindness in your life that will make you feel calm and safe. 

Mine is a sincere prayer from my mum. 

She doesn't know any shit about my dancing world, but she knows that I'm gonna start my first dancing workshop on the 4th of March.

And she sent me this message yesterday afternoon while I was having my brain all over the place:

"Hey, how are you? Have you started your dancing workshop yet? I pray to God everyday that you're happy, healthy and I hope that you have students with sincere interest for coming to your class."

In the end, all I need is not a big fame/reputation/image in my dancing or writing world - not even a recognition from people. 

All I need is this simple yet sincere care, love and prayer from my mum. 

I hope that you can find your moment of kindness that brings you joy and reminds you that you're always loved. 

LOSER?

Anyway, minggu ini gue baru saja melakukan transformasi besar-besaran untuk kelangsungan hidup gue selama 2019. Dan semua ini akan berhubungan dg the feeling of being "loser". 

Semuanya berjalan baik sih, tapi sumpah gw mentally exhausted bgt dan gw really need to pour it all out di postingan ini.

Kalian yg sabar ya untuk baca postingan ttg journey gw minggu ini menjadi "kupu-kupu Spanyol" (bukan jadi PSK disini, tapi berubah jadi akuh yg lebih baruh di duarebusembilanbelash). 

SO... karena satu dan lain hal yg crucial, awal tahun ini gw memutuskan untuk kembali lagi ngajar nari.

Masalahnya gw gak akan ngajar di bawah naungan sekolah nari kayak dulu pas gw di Madrid karena emang disini komunitas narinya jauh lebih kecil. Alhasil, mau tak mau gw harus ngajar nari di bawah naungan nama gw sendiri.

Tapi coba bayangin ini... hidup gw minggu ini tuh kayak lagi di permainan Benteng Takeshi - banyak rintangan untuk mewujudkan keputusan di otak gue itu agar menjadi bentuk nyata. Nah berikut adalah rintangan yg sudah dan akan gw lalui ke depannya:

1. Memulai pembicaraan yg sulit sama Congkipe
Sebut aja temen gw yg satu ini namanya Congkipe. Dia adalah guru nari dan dia ngebuka kursus nari pertama di kota kampret ini. So far pemasukan hidup dia bergantung seluruhnya sama kelas nari yg dia buka.

Tahun lalu kita "supposed to be" sohib nari/partner kerja untuk buka kelas/workshop bareng. Tapi setelah banyak hal bangke yg terjadi tahun lalu plus gak berasa ada chemisty juga di antara kita, gw memutuskan untuk go solo, bakalan mulai ngajar nari lagi, etc.

Akhirnya setelah melewati berbagai tangisan dan kekhawatiran akan reaksi Congkipe, Selasa kemarin gw ngomong ke dia kalo gw decided untuk ngajar nari tahun ini yg rencananya akan gw mulai around end of Feb atau awal Maret.

Tujuan obrolan itu tentunya bukan untuk minta ijin dari dia, tapi untuk kesantunan dan moral etik berbisnis supaya ke depannya bisnis nari gw gak dituduh semata-mata mau matiin bisnis orang. Juga gunanya agar menghindari kemungkinan gue diarak massa ke tengah jalan.

Lalu bagaimana dengan reaksi si Congkipe setelah gue ngomong? Berikutnya dia tampar gue dg selembar cured meat khas Spanyol yg disebut jamón terus rambut gue diguyur pake jus jeruk.

Gak deh.

Yah, reaksinya dia gak teriak histeris sih karena gw ajak dia ngobrol di tempat nongkrong yg agak elegan. Gue juga udah merangkai kalimat dan latihan ngomong satu hari sebelumnya. Jadi ya gue ngomong apa adanya. Pokoknya yg penting-penting aja dan gak bawa-bawa hal personal supaya semuanya kelar se-profesional mungkin.

In the end, gw berasa lega tapi juga capeeekk banget mentally karena untuk berurusan sama hal ini (dan orang ini) really does suck A LOT of my energy. GOSH.

2. Menjual nama "Yunita Dewiyana" untuk promote kelas nari
Seperti yg sudah gw mention sebelumnya, gw harus ngajar nari atas naungan nama gw sendiri. Anjir, sounds cool banget gak sih? 10 tahun yg lalu gw gak akan pernah nyangka kalo gw, gadis Jakarta yg keturunan Bangka ini bisa ngajar nari di Spanyol!

Gw kebayang gitu bikin poster pake foto nari yg kece lalu diikuti dengan tulisan:

"Mau lebih percaya diri dalam mengekspresikan tarianmu? Ayo, gabung sekarang ke kelas tari tortor bersama Yunita Dewiyana!" 

(pake nada ngomong kayak iklan-iklan layanan masyarakat yg ngajak warga setempat untuk menggunakan pil KB - "Dua anak CUKUP!")

Gw tau dengan pengalaman gw yg sudah melanglang buana kesana-sini dalam hal competing, ngajar, dan juga ambil workshops dari international teachers, gue punya nilai jual yg cukup tinggi. Ceritanya kan gue internesyenel dancer gituh.

Tapi gw beneran gak comfortable dan gak yakin sama wording yg harus dipakai dalam menjual diri gw ini. Gue gak mau come accross jadi orang yg kayak full of herself banget (a.k.a manusia congkak). At the same time, kalo gw terlalu merendah juga pasti akan mengurangi daya tarik masyarakat buat ambil jasa nari gue.

ARGH, anyway otak gue dari kemarin panik sendiri mikirin ini! Dan kalo ada dari kalian yg mau bantu dalam merangkai kalimat/kasih feedback buat konten di personal website gw nanti, KASIHTAU GUE PLIS!

3. Mengubah website YOUR 3 AM CALL (Y3AC) menjadi personal web gue for dancing purposes 
Gue belom pernah introduce apa itu Y3AC ke kalian semua, para pembaca setia blog ini. Intinya pas tahun 2016 gw launched writing project pertama gue in English, which is ya Y3AC ini. Gw gak ada goal super wow seperti mau dapetin 1 juta likes/followers, bikin jadi buku best-seller or whatever.

Gw cuma start itu semua karena gw butuh denger cerita hidup orang-orang lain diluar sana yg trying hard everyday buat do something that they love, something that they're passionate about. Gue mau tau proses jatuh bangun mereka kayak apa and so on. Makanya isi blog itu adalah hasil interview gue sama temen-temen di sekitar gue.

It went well awalnya, gue bener-bener learnt a lot banget dari writing project itu. Tapi sejak gw pindah ke Spain, lama kelamaan project itu terbengkalai. Dan berhubung gue butuh bikin personal web buat ngajar nari, akhirnya mau gak mau bulan ini gw harus memusnahkan website Y3AC.

Dari minggu ini gw sibuk ngurusin semua pretelan Y3AC - mulai dari pindahin konten yg ada ke laptop sampai yg paling susah... kirim email thanks and farewell buat semua contributors yg pernah ngebantu gue ngerjain Y3AC.

Gw inget bgt pas gw nulis email and kirimin emailnya ke semua contributors, gw langsung menitikkan air mata. Tapi gak lebay sih nangisnya.

Yg pasti muka gw masih cakep karena nangisnya agak elegan gitu, terisak-isak sedikit doang sambil pasang tampang sok cool. Cuman ya gw gak nyangka bahwa gw akan se-emotional itu.

Logikanya kan ya emang mending ditutup aja project ini kalo emang terbengkalai. Apalagi udah ada urusan lebih penting (dan berduit) yg nunggu di depan mata. Jadi lu emang being emotional for what sih, Yuyun?

Pertanyaan itu mengganggu batin gue dari awal minggu sampai detik ini. Dan usut punya usut, sepertinya semua ini berhubungan sama the feeling of being loser. 

LOSER?

Entah label ini dimulai dari diri gw sendiri atau orang-orang di sekitar, tapi gw sering banget berhadapan dengan label or the feeling of being "loser".

Dalam kamus gue "loser" adalah orang yg cuma bisa ngomong doang, mimpinya gede tapi aksi nyatanya kosong melompong. Loser di mata gue mungkin bisa dideskripsikan melalui kalimat emas yg sering diucapkan bokap saat ngeliat orang yg kerjanya males/gak beres-beres/etc:

"Jadi orang tuh jgn kayak orang berak tapi ceboknya gak bersih. Kalo ngerjain sesuatu jgn setengah-setengah!" (percaya atau tidak, bokap gw sering bgt ngomong kalimat ini, goshhh)

Anyway, saat gue akhirnya harus mengakui bahwa Y3AC, writing project pertama gw yg berbahasa Inggris ini gak bisa dilanjutin lagi, deep down gue ngerasa kayak loser banget!

Karena sekarang cibiran orang-orang yg pernah gw dengar saat mereka mempertanyakan 'wtf is going on sama future-nya Y3AC' langsung non-stop berkumandang di otak gue.

As if dg tidak berlanjutnya Y3AC ini, gue ngerasa seperti meng-iya-kan semua cibiran mereka... bahwa ya mungkin di sepanjang hidup gue ini, semua mimpi, ide gila, dan projek-projek gw ke depannya gak akan ada yg pernah kelar?

Selain itu, hal ini jadi makin sensitif karena gw juga sekarang lagi working on first writing project gw dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Belom banyak yg tau ttg hal ini dan sampai sekarang gw juga belom siap launching project ini gede-gedean karena salah satu alasannya adalah gue takut kalo ini akan bernasib sama dg Y3AC dan ujung-ujungnya mendapat cibiran lagi - worst, cibiran dari orang-orang terdekat.

Jujur, gw skg kayak lagi ada big battle antara: negative self-talk VS akuh yg lebih baruh di duarebusembilanbelash. ARGHHH...

Wahai kalian yg punya start-up or pekerja seni diluar sana, apa kalian juga pernah ngerasain feeling kayak gini? Apa ini emang realita dari creative journey kita? 

(share pendapat/experience kalian lewat DM, WhatsApp, surat lewat burung merpati atau apapun karena gue butuh teman berdiskusi kalo kalian pernah ngerasain ini)

Jujur sih gue masih belom ada closure dari semua feeling yg udah gw jelasin di atas.

Tapi one thing yg bikin gw mungkin sedikit lebih waras dan bisa mengasihi diri sendiri adalah berusaha untuk menganalisa semua label yg menempel di otak gue. Misalnya:

"duh gue emang dari sananya udah males."
"gue cuma jago bikin ide, tapi realisasinya gak bisa."
"gue emang ya gitu orangnya, gak begitu persistent."
"gue emang susah fokus. makanya mesti kerjain banyak hal biar gak bosen."
"gue emang gak pinter/gak jago networking/ngurus duit/etc."

and whatever label lain yg lebih sesuai sama situasi kalian.

Menurut gue, semua label yg gue sebutin di atas bukan lagi tentang jawaban bener atau gak. Tapi yg paling penting dari semua itu adalah gimana kita menganalisa deeper stuff/feeling yg ngumpet di balik semua label yg nempel di otak kita.

Di case gue sih biasanya kalo gue bilang "Duh gw males bgt ngerjain X, Y, Z", itu bukan semata-mata hanya karena "gue orangnya pemalas." Lebih dari itu, setelah gue analisa dg seksama ya gue sebenernya TAKUT. Takutin apa exactlynya sih gue gak tau.

Mungkin gue takut di-judge orang-orang terdekat yg nantinya malah bikin ekspektasi/hopes gw ke mereka ancur dan jadi kecewa bgt sama mereka? 

Mungkin gue takut buat gagal? Atau mungkin takut sama exposure of fame kalo ternyata berhasil di bidang yg gw kerjain?

Apa mungkin gue takut sama kritikan orang mengenai karya gue yg sering meng-ekspos vulnerability dan insecurity gue?

Mungkin juga gue takut kalo ternyata gue jadi harus kenalan sama sisi lain dari diri gw yg selama ini gw paksa untuk ngumpet? 

Entahlah. 

Yg pasti menurut gue, the next time you guys feel the urge buat labeling yourself "pemalas" or "can't do this or that", akan lebih helpful for you guys buat menganalisa deeper stuff/feeling yg ngumpet di balik semua label yg nempel di otak kita ini. 

Dan guna dari analisa itu bukan untuk bisa selalu dapet jawaban yg pasti, tapi lebih untuk practice self-love dan not being too harsh on yourself.

Anyway, udah ah... gue laper dan mau makan siang.

So, inti dari postingan ini?

1. Gw super excited. I know that I'm on the right track, I'm doing the right thing yet at the same time gue lagi mentally exhausted sama semua upcoming projects yg ada di depan mata!

2. Sedang ada di big battle antara: negative self-talk VS akuh yg lebih baruh di duarebusembilanbelash

3. Mau start discussion ttg hal ini dan mau dgr cerita/pengalaman lain, terutama dari teman-teman pekerja seni lainnya diluar sana.

BHAYYYY!