"BUT... you have vagina!"

*** The purpose of this post is NOT to:
- underestimate the role of parenthood
- attack any beliefs or perspectives
- make people feel shitty about having kids or working as a full-time mum and dad.

The question of "why I don't want to have kids" has been a huge issue in my life. And I never really speak up about this. For me, writing this post is the only way I know best to express my feeling and opinion with a touch of humour and satire ;) 

I write this post to help me laugh and chill about the issue that often irritates me most. For those who are in the same boat like me, I hope I can bring a smile on your face. 

You're NOT alone. ENJOY!

Yesterday I shared this comic on my Facebook and I didn't expect to get any positive responses. Because usually I got a "weird look" and "interesting" comments when I say I don't want to have kids. Here's the collection of bizarre comments that I've got in my entire life:

-  "You don't wanna have kids? Well you're still too young. You'll change your mind when you're a bit older."
- "But if you don't have kids, who's gonna take care of you when you're old?"
- "You've been westernised." (what kind of comment is this?! TROLOLOLOL)
- "Wow, that's selfish. Think about people who really want to have kids but they can't!"
- "But God says that in the bible: 'Be fruitful and multiply.' So you have to have kids!"
- "But having kids will change your life. Your life will be complete and happier."
- "If you don't wanna have kids, then what's the point of getting married?"

And the most epic comment goes to...

"BUT... you have vagina!" (saying it with a clueless and innocent face).

How I feel inside my fragile heart

I wish I could reply back to those comments that I heard from strangers, my parents, siblings, relatives and my close friends. But I chose not to reply because I didn't want to have an argument.

I don't see it useful to have an argument with people who are not ready yet to listen to another side of perspective. I don't think people are ready to hear the fact that having a kid is an option. And I don't think I have to justify my personal life, and convince everyone to agree with me.

There were many times I felt angry and upset when people judged me about this issue. But as I've tried to make peace with myself, I understand that everyone has a different motive and background. It's not wise for me to say that people who said those comments above are ignorant, uneducated, or narrow minded.

But the only thing that I can do for myself is to speak up, and be brave enough to show who I really am. I don't ask all of you to agree with me, but I need you to at least listen from another side of the story.

1. Aspiration 
How I see about having a kid is more like an aspiration in life. For some people their aspirations are maybe to become a millionaire, a president, or a movie director. And in my mind, this goes the same thing about having a kid.

Being a mother or father for me is a full-time job and I respect those who have kids. From seeing my siblings, relatives and parents, I understand how hard it is to raise a decent human being who can function well in society.

However, I don't see myself to become a mother. I don't see kids as my aspiration in life. I know what my aspiration and my true calling are, but unfortunately some people think that they know my life better than myself.

That's when people start to "fix" myself - there must be something wrong with me if I don't want to have kids. Doesn't every woman in this world want to have kids?

I'm telling you now that not every woman in this world wants to have kids. If you've never heard or met someone with this opinion before, then it is mostly because those who don't want to have kids are afraid to speak up or being judged as a "selfish evil bitch."

2. Life's Calling
Everyone has a different perspective when it comes to life's calling or purpose.

For me, I live my life through God's calling and I believe that there is a "season" for everything. And I believe that God allows me to embrace my passions and talents to live the life that is according to His plan.

I don't have the right to tell you what's wrong and right in terms of this issue. But I know one thing for sure, it's completely wrong for me to have kids just for the sake of fulfilling mainstream expectation of society, or just to make people around me "happy".

Maybe I change my mind in the future? Who knows? Even if I change my mind, I know that having a kid will be God's calling for me and it's gonna be the "season" of my life that I need to embrace.

Although I've spoken up about this issue, I know for sure that there will always be people who keep asking me, "So when are you gonna have kids?" I will give an answer that they want to hear and try to keep my cool. For example, I automatically reply my relatives with this answer, "Yeah we'll be making baby next month." (just to make them shut up).

If you experience this problem when people keep asking you the baby thing, you can try this answer:

"Yeah, after this I will have sex a lot everyday so I can have my baby soon."

Last year, I said that to my friends and they gave me a weird look, looked confused, and just left me straight away. That's so effective, isn't it? Now you're free from the baby question because people think you are too weird. Congrats. Mission accomplished.

Last comment from me...

I don't realise that this baby thing is mostly put pressure on women until a friend of mine shared his thought on my FB post:

"Neither my wife and I want kids (though we are always open if we change our minds in the future). When the conversation comes up with others as portrayed in this comic, they usually focus on my wife, even though this is a decision that involves both of us. In other words; it takes 2 to make a child, but the pressure from others is almost always on the woman, which I think is completely unfair. In those situations I try to interject and remind others that I also don't want kids and my opinion matters too to try and remove that pressure from being solely on her."

Thanks to all men who are being supportive and ready to speak up for their partners regarding this issue. The more I get older, the more I realise that it's hard to be a woman. Sometimes it's just too much expectation to become a "good responsible woman." In my case, the support and encouragement from my life partner really means a lot to me.

For all women out there who keep getting pressure from people around you, you know yourself better than anyone else. Be strong and keep believing in yourself. And you don't have to justify and explain your personal life to every single person who doesn't agree with you.

Sometimes... silence is golden. Deep in your heart, you know that you are fully worthy in spite of negative judgment from people around you.

"I'm completely happy not having children. I mean, everybody does not have to live in the same way. And as somebody said, 'Everybody with a womb doesn't have to have a child any more than everybody with vocal cords has to be an opera singer." —Gloria Steinem

Hi, I'm Albert's Wife.

SO... how's Madrid?

Yeah, that's the typical question that I get. It's been a month since I left Perth and I'm gonna answer that question through this post. 

I'm not gonna start with the recommendation of best place to go, to eat, etc because I'm not Lonely Planet :p Instead, I'm gonna start with the conversation that I had on the day I just arrived in Madrid:

MBA ladies A & B: Hey what's your name?

Me: My name is Yunita.

MBA ladies A & B: Hmm... sorry? 

(As usual the difficulty to pronounce my name is high. Maybe one day people could start making another name for me like Juanita, Veronica, Barbara, and so on)

Me: My name is Yu-ni-ta. 

MBA ladies A & B: ... (looked totally clueless and started changing the topic) Oh, so are you an MBA candidate as well in Madrid?

Me: No, I'm accompanying my husband. He's the one who's studying. 

MBA ladies A & B: Oh! Who's your husband?

Me: Albert. 

MBA ladies A & B: Oh, we can call you Albert's wife then! Ha-ha-ha (in a demeaning manner)

Me: ... (bitch, I'm about to slap your mouth with Jamon Iberico now)

And the conversation didn't last for long. For a few MBA ladies, my name is too hard to pronounce so it's easier to call me Albert's wife. But excuse me, ladies and gentlemen... I have name and coming here to accompany my husband doesn't lesser my value as a human. 

So... to answer the question, "How's Madrid?", I'm gonna tell you that in the last one month Madrid has taught me a lot about:

1. Self-esteem

Since that convo with the MBA ladies, my insecurity started to kick in. I started feeling shitty... "What if people think I'm useless because I'm ONLY the wife?" "What if people don't appreciate the job that I love as a dancing teacher and dancer?"

The first week in Madrid was the hardest because of language barrier and culture shock. There were a few days when I felt so so so shit that I didn't get up from my bed until late afternoon. Going outside to interact with people made me feel more stupid because I couldn't even understand simple phrase that people said. 

But through self-reflection with myself and Albert, and also positive words from friends... my conclusion is people always have their own values. Maybe for some, being a wife who accompanies the husband whom studying abroad is nothing. It's okay for people who have that perspective, but for me I see my position as something powerful. 

Not everyone has the opportunity to be together as a couple when they move to another country. Some must be separated for a while due to financial or visa difficulty. And to grow together as a couple in another country is a privilege for us. That's when we can learn, see and embrace our best and worst. 

And at the end of the day, what matters most is the support that you get from real people who really believe in you, and be ready to help you when you feel so low. Trying to impress people whom we think more educated or "higher" than us is the worst thing that we can do to ourselves.

2. Gender equality

This afternoon, Albert and I were having lunch with new friends while we started our discussion about gender equality. They're husband and wife, and in their case the husband comes to Madrid to accompany his wife who studies MBA. Like us, they faced similar issues and stereotypes about the role of woman, man, husband, and wife. 

One example that we talked about is when a man does housework, often people compliment him as "a good and sweet man." On the other hand, if a woman does housework, it's often underappreciated because that's what a woman "supposed" to do. 

Let me be clear... In my role, I'm the one who mostly does the housework - cooking, vacuuming, etc. But I've been doing it because I see my relationship as a teamwork. I know how tiring it is when you get home from a busy day, yet you still need to prepare your own food or cleaning up the house. 

And I'm sincerely happy to help my life partner as much as I can because I do it out of love. I don't do it because I'm a woman who is "supposed" to do housework and give him 10 kids. And Albert doesn't do much housework not because he's a MAN. I know he can't do it because he's busy studying and feel so tired by the time he gets home. 

A woman that Albert and I met during lunch today asked us, "So do you consider yourself as a feminist? And by that means you believe that man is equal to woman, and vice versa."

We said yes.

But don't get me wrong - we're not perfect. Albert and I still have our unconscious biases, but we're working on it as a team. And I hope that any couple out there can respect each other better because they see their partner as a human, and not based on gender.

So for people out there who are in the similar situation like what I've been through, please don't ever hate yourself because society tells you that:

- you "only" accompany your partner in another country

- you don't have any "real prestigious" job in an office, OR

- you're not an MBA/PhD student like your partner

What matters most is how you and your partner value and support each other. And please surround yourself with positive people :)

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

*** many thanks to Albert, Josh and Lolita for the inspiration behind this post :)