Yeah, that's the typical question that I get. It's been a month since I left Perth and I'm gonna answer that question through this post.
I'm not gonna start with the recommendation of best place to go, to eat, etc because I'm not Lonely Planet :p Instead, I'm gonna start with the conversation that I had on the day I just arrived in Madrid:
MBA ladies A & B: Hey what's your name?
Me: My name is Yunita.
MBA ladies A & B: Hmm... sorry?
(As usual the difficulty to pronounce my name is high. Maybe one day people could start making another name for me like Juanita, Veronica, Barbara, and so on)
Me: My name is Yu-ni-ta.
MBA ladies A & B: ... (looked totally clueless and started changing the topic) Oh, so are you an MBA candidate as well in Madrid?
Me: No, I'm accompanying my husband. He's the one who's studying.
MBA ladies A & B: Oh! Who's your husband?
Me: Albert.
MBA ladies A & B: Oh, we can call you Albert's wife then! Ha-ha-ha (in a demeaning manner)
Me: ... (bitch, I'm about to slap your mouth with Jamon Iberico now)
And the conversation didn't last for long. For a few MBA ladies, my name is too hard to pronounce so it's easier to call me Albert's wife. But excuse me, ladies and gentlemen... I have name and coming here to accompany my husband doesn't lesser my value as a human.
So... to answer the question, "How's Madrid?", I'm gonna tell you that in the last one month Madrid has taught me a lot about:
1. Self-esteem
Since that convo with the MBA ladies, my insecurity started to kick in. I started feeling shitty... "What if people think I'm useless because I'm ONLY the wife?" "What if people don't appreciate the job that I love as a dancing teacher and dancer?"
The first week in Madrid was the hardest because of language barrier and culture shock. There were a few days when I felt so so so shit that I didn't get up from my bed until late afternoon. Going outside to interact with people made me feel more stupid because I couldn't even understand simple phrase that people said.
But through self-reflection with myself and Albert, and also positive words from friends... my conclusion is people always have their own values. Maybe for some, being a wife who accompanies the husband whom studying abroad is nothing. It's okay for people who have that perspective, but for me I see my position as something powerful.
Not everyone has the opportunity to be together as a couple when they move to another country. Some must be separated for a while due to financial or visa difficulty. And to grow together as a couple in another country is a privilege for us. That's when we can learn, see and embrace our best and worst.
And at the end of the day, what matters most is the support that you get from real people who really believe in you, and be ready to help you when you feel so low. Trying to impress people whom we think more educated or "higher" than us is the worst thing that we can do to ourselves.
2. Gender equality
This afternoon, Albert and I were having lunch with new friends while we started our discussion about gender equality. They're husband and wife, and in their case the husband comes to Madrid to accompany his wife who studies MBA. Like us, they faced similar issues and stereotypes about the role of woman, man, husband, and wife.
One example that we talked about is when a man does housework, often people compliment him as "a good and sweet man." On the other hand, if a woman does housework, it's often underappreciated because that's what a woman "supposed" to do.
Let me be clear... In my role, I'm the one who mostly does the housework - cooking, vacuuming, etc. But I've been doing it because I see my relationship as a teamwork. I know how tiring it is when you get home from a busy day, yet you still need to prepare your own food or cleaning up the house.
And I'm sincerely happy to help my life partner as much as I can because I do it out of love. I don't do it because I'm a woman who is "supposed" to do housework and give him 10 kids. And Albert doesn't do much housework not because he's a MAN. I know he can't do it because he's busy studying and feel so tired by the time he gets home.
A woman that Albert and I met during lunch today asked us, "So do you consider yourself as a feminist? And by that means you believe that man is equal to woman, and vice versa."
We said yes.
But don't get me wrong - we're not perfect. Albert and I still have our unconscious biases, but we're working on it as a team. And I hope that any couple out there can respect each other better because they see their partner as a human, and not based on gender.
So for people out there who are in the similar situation like what I've been through, please don't ever hate yourself because society tells you that:
- you "only" accompany your partner in another country
- you don't have any "real prestigious" job in an office, OR
- you're not an MBA/PhD student like your partner
What matters most is how you and your partner value and support each other. And please surround yourself with positive people :)
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
*** many thanks to Albert, Josh and Lolita for the inspiration behind this post :)
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